giffolai's Xanga

the dreaded d word

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 13:32:46 GMT

nawwww now we only have till the 16th of november to decide on what we're gonna spend our next 2 years studying! perhaps for those who have already made up their minds, the deadline couldnt come any sooner. BUT for incredibly fickle people like me. its a NIGHTMARE.

someone give me the direction i need now.

for me, its really a question of biology or physics. economics or some random humanities subject. ok the above sounded rather biased towards humanities subjects. but really. to me, history was fun and relatively stress free pre EOYs. hearing from joel, my trusty j1 friend who's turning out to be a major source of my jc advice (indirectly or directly) history sounds like a whole different ball game in jc.

biology vs physics.

everyone says physics is the more "applicable science". biology is just studying and mugging and time and what have you. well, i agree. and thats the whole problem. today the jc deputy principal advised us to marry interest with ability. way to go mdm. :l ok fine i understand that's the ideal situation. to follow soon hong's example or not to. thats the question.

economics vs humanities subject.

economics. the subject where 900 rj students take and 100... PASS (according to deputy principal again if im NOT WRONG) how encouraging. yet people still take it. what a headache.

dilemmas. the dreaded d word. and theres the S word.

Should.

i should be studying. i should not need too much time to decide anyway. i should just follow my heart. i should just decide based on my interest. interest works interest rocks.

i should be practising chinese. D:

some people just arent worth it

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 03:26:11 GMT

ok i shall edit the relegate my rant to the back. the copy and paste is so useful *gushes*

i SHALL start off with something HAPPY (see the caps and the apparent effort needed?)

SUNDAY NIGHT :D
synopsis - went to shaun's house with alvin, royston and ling fei to catch liverpool vs man utd. not that i couldnt watch it at home. BUT ITS JUST THAT MUCH MORE FUN AND EXCITING TO CATCH IT WITH FRIENDS! watching liverpool vs man utd was alot more nerve-wracking than watching man utd vs arsenal with alvin and wai choong. somehow watching other teams, theres this sense of detachment.

sure, you jump up from the couch and start hollering at every opportunity. you shout you do fistpumps you laugh you criticise the ref and let hell loose on underperforming players. but its not "YOUR TEAM" whether van persie scores an offside goal at the last moment, you just jump up and abuse the pillows around you, but after all of that, you settle down and go to sleep.

BUT when its "YOUR TEAM" the result matters. thankfully it didnt turn out to be that bad a morning :) and it was hilarious as well.

whoever shaun and i cursed and put down, that player would somehow do very well. eg. we were lamenting about lucas's lack of pace, strength, passing ability, basically everything except his running. turned out, he didnt play that bad (ok he played quite well XD) shaun was laughing at diamanti, and he popped up to create and score both goals. hmm shaun we should do this more often ;)

alright that was SUNDAY. who needs a chalet when you have choo's house? ok alvin next big match we're crashing your house :P

alright. time to think happy thoughts :D lets just throw brooding, moody, gloomy out of the window!

[EDIT]

and all i want to do now is rant.

dont u think its terrifically unbecoming if someone starts hitting you and kicking you? i really didnt know what got into me today. why didnt i just hit him back? damn it. maybe it would've helped with the scorn i feel now.

but somehow i suspect, if i did retaliate (and with good reason) it would've turned pretty ugly.

some people just arent worth it.

and neither am i going to mention names since theres zero chance he's gonna chance upon this and hopefully realise what a complete. *insert vulgarity* im almost too glad that i dont know him that well. but at the same time, i feel horrible that im going to the same school as him.

there. the rant shall end here.

bummer

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 15:24:28 GMT

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doesnt this irritate you to death? i hope singtel comes up with a more comprehensive package than starhub. this is what happens when you try to find out if starhub screens carling cup matches between liverpool and arsenal when uve just paid a whopping 25++ bucks per month for sports group subscription.

they say content is king. and you pay for content. now why didnt the price go down when champions league moved over the starhub. i dont need to watch how portsmouth lost their latest game 3 times in a day. or multiple games to be shown at one time when really, all that you would care to watch and would be able to watch is just that solitary match.

ugh grumpiness.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 14:33:06 GMT

hmmm i should try convincing my mum that really, my left foot's pretty much hopeless at connecting with a football.

over the last 10 weeks, ive come to realise that i turn to sports way pretty often to ease boredom, for entertainment, recreation and so on. and to not be able to play sports is. =l rather depressing.

eoys are over. hoorah. *balloon deflates*

ive got a life. and im definitely not afraid to use(live) it.

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 13:55:35 GMT

i can feel the stress level mounting. slowly but surely.

and to be honest, i think my style of doing work / preparing for almost anything is incredibly unhealthy. i rely on a cocktail of stress, guilt, regret and all your usual negative emotions/feelings before i start doing any productive work. by productive i mean any work worth the time. if i spend 30 minutes sitting at my table simply staring at the textbook (with practically nothing going in), i dont count that as productive work.

and i hate wasting time. even if it means staring at the textbook (in some vain and childish hope that some bits of much needed knowledge would seep in)

today made me realise a few things. (alright, its not really realise, but rather, revisit)

one. sometimes, we are judged not in relation to others. but in relation to our potential. now is that really fair? to be judged using a criteria set by someone else. and that criteria happens to be you.

two. more often than not, we hesitate, we pause and we stop to think. do i really want to try this? what if i fail? what if i cant even cross the first hurdle? will that make me lesser of a person? will that make others think lesser of me. well, we dont always have the answers. but you know those lines in hollywood where person A goes

"ive got a gun and im not afraid to use it"
---random actor/actress

really. we should edit the above to.

ive got a life. and im definitely not afraid to use(live) it.

three. is it always necessary to have a clearly defined aim/goal? does having a goal that you proclaim to the world automatically flip a switch in you, turning you from "aimless wanderer" to "focussed go getter"? perhaps we've all reached a stage in our education/lives when people start asking you about your aim, your goal. in other words, your career choice and the steps you have to take in between now and then.

does having a clear audible goal automatically instill some sort of drive and confidence in oneself? granted, that does not always happen, and its not mutually inclusive. however, sometimes i ponder, is it really necessary? is having the goal of doing one's best then, upon reaching the finishing line, look up and assess your options signal a lack of ambition or a sense of direction?

and obviously, in contrast. so what if you're brave, courageous and confident enough to articulate your ambition? sure, everyone looks up and takes notice. perhaps thats a good thing. everyone's watching you and your progress. perhaps that's a bad thing as well. but really. by stating it, what you're actually doing is to:

set yourself a goal for all to witness. not just yourself. everyone around you.

some people work well with pressure.

truly, the above may be just one side of the coin, but its the one thats at the forefront of my thoughts at the moment, and hence the first that i shall type down.

alright. now back to my math. gosh i realise i should have started on math before my sciences.

foresight. *sighs*

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Sun, 27 Sep 2009 15:15:15 GMT

the stack of papers on the ledge beside me is roughly 20 cm high. and i have a picture to prove it.

actually, its supposed to be higher, but like every normal human being with common sense (or so i would like to think) you cant stack papers up too high, especially when its next to the window (its a window ledge kinda thing) hmm the point is. 20 cm is daunting. and whats worse is, im not nowhere near done with a tenth of it yet.

remember the bit about how my motivation is never punctual? yeah. its running late. very late. a few weeks late in fact. plus theres this last week of DMP left. and after that, bits of revision before

EOYs

but strangely, HCL o lvls to me... yeah its alot more daunting. i mean perhaps its the tiny fact that its an O lvl cert, whereas GPA, well, its just going to decide your class (or so i assume/presume, i mean its logical!) PLUS for GPA. well there was PR2 / CA accounting for 60%....

perhaps, after setting a new year's resolution, u really want to see it through to the end (even after you've tasted success halfway)

my back hurts. and so does my toe.

patience is truly a virtue. and one that i must learn.

stress

Wed, 23 Sep 2009 14:34:33 GMT

late nights arent good for normal people who are accustomed to sleeping BEFORE midnight. it makes my internal body clock go wonky, makes me nap for hours on the carpet, with nothing but sofa cushions for company. it makes my spectacles feel weird, as if they werent put on right. and it makes me oblivious to the sounds of my phone.

somehow after 16 years, the "attribute" that hasnt improved the least bit about me, is the motivation to start early. naturally, the fate of my results are therefore (more often than not) decided not based on ability or aptitude, but rather how "early" i wake up and actually find that elusive motivation.

i agree, sometimes its hard. like for example tonight. gifford mathematician lvl 1 was bulldozed by lvl 15 circular measure. level 15 because i doubt circular measure is that hard a topic. but rather, it was my brain's in ability to move, to tick, to do what it has tried to do for the past 16 years. and boy is it really frustrating (just ask the bottom of my fist after repeated random poundings on the table) the most frustrating thing about maths (or physics) is when you dont get it, you feel pretty useless. no, you feel worse than that. and the problem is exacerbated perhaps by the fact that maybe on another day, when you're brain's chugging along fine, you would've gotten that question.

and i guess i really do believe in my own theory. and that is, a brain is like an engine, you need to get it started. sometimes its sputters and dies on you, but really, there is nothing much you can do about it, except perhaps hammer it with a varied selection of stationery items. but once it gets rolling, bliss (especially when you steamroll question after question)

but back to the bit about the motivation to start early.

anyone has any foolproof plan to help me find this elusive motivation to start early?

OH and on a separate note. its healing =D

BUT at the moment, chances are i wont be able to lace on any shoes (hence that includes astro turf boots) by saturday. =( ORA ftw! but there goes my original plan for the hockey season. =l

what else... hmm... oh, today i had another lesson on "starting early". well in actual fact, it should be "finishing on time". being fickle is really a horrible thing. i hope its not inheritable or something, because really, being fickle sucks, big time. being fickle means you hesitate alot more than a normal person would. perhaps in some cases hesitation is good, fast paced people rushing for time, well sometimes they are the ones that need to slow down, take a step back (take a deep breath or two) and think. but true to the negative connotations of being fickle, it also often results in one procrastinating and taking an awfully long time, onlt to (no, not come to a decision, u wish!) realise that one cant decide.

sounds frustrating right? yeah totally. unfortunately for the fickle one, there are usually consequences attached to any decision. or should i say, indecision. and today, i felt the said consequences of indecision.

exams (even if its a few weeks away) really do keep people on edge

about car rides and mums

Fri, 18 Sep 2009 12:10:01 GMT

my two cents worth for today. (its not my fault, i was in a pensive mood!)

perhaps i should have asked my mum to send me to school in the morning instead of relying on my neighbor. ive come to realise that, even during a simple routine car ride from home to hospital and hospital back to home, you can really bond with your parent. i guess its different for you because you get fetched around a lot (i think?) but i realise i've also come to miss my mum fetching me (she used to do A LOT of that in primary school. like literally everyday in fact) but i also have to admit the grass is always greener on the other side. so moderation is definitely needed, you cant always take public transport all the time, and when you do so, you come to treasure that 10 minute car ride with your mum.

even though we might not always be talking throughout the entire journey, being there alone in the car with just one other person somehow connects them both. thats what i think anyway. or well, ive come to realise today.

i guess im repaying for all that "lost time". during the june holidays, everyone was at home, except me. and i was almost never at home. to be honest i was feeling quite guilty, because i would spend the entire day out, almost always with friends. so perhaps this time, staying at home for extended periods of time, finding out how my mum lives her life (while im out at school in the morning to afternoon, or when im out with friends the entire day), finding out how kimmie behaves before she leaves for school, and finding out how she behaves immediately after school, in the car with mum. sure i would love to be out in the sun playing tennis 24/7 now that school's virtually non-existent. i would definitely love to go out catching movies with friends with exams still 3 weeks away.

but theres a point to all the above i guess.

sometimes things happen for a reason. but all we need to do is look and we'll see that everything will work out fine. everything will be okay.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Tue, 15 Sep 2009 00:09:44 GMT

I can resist everything except temptation
-- oscar wilde

my phone has this extremely weird screen after you send an sms. it displays the most random stuff (from cars, to mushy phrases in Thai, French, Spanish, to half time Liverpool scores, to quotes, so yeah, you can imagine)

I realise that ive come to think of many things differently as i would have done otherwise before, and it is through this things that ive come to learnt a few things. one such thing is patience.

US OPEN finals was 10 minutes ago. i confess to be an anti-federer fan, and a murray and soderling fan for most other occasions. but yeah, as you can imagine i was rooting for del potro. i view del potro as a huge serve and huge-r forehand kinda big guy. what made him so appealing as a player was his crazy ability to hit super flat forehands (for me at least), but the big turn off was, at 20, he isnt exactly the most consistent player with the defensive skills like Nadal and Murray. but heck, today, despite the unforced errors (some of them causing me to jump up and down in frustration and thrashing the pillow(s) beside me, the ending of the 4th set was killer, especially when he held break pointS) federer didnt serve well (at all)

but im digressing. back to patience. (but i still think federer's huge weapon is his serve(and return) and if he doesnt serve well, he can be beaten... poor soderling in french grand slam =( )

watching people play on tv just gives me this irresistible itch to play as well. and i doubt ive ever felt such frustration and boredom at being able to do nothing at all. watching the top seeds slug in out in the US open, meeting shek on the way out of school at the tennis courts (he had been playing from 1 to 5), yeah, it teaches you patience because, yeah, you CANT PLAY.

im quite sure this is a pretty warped way to learn patience but in my eyes of my parents, from age 0 (fine, year 0, day 1) to age somewhere roughly around 16, i would never have the patience to finish my work before playing. (well the reason why i said roughly around 16 is because, i still do) i would never be able to resist the temptation to have a few hours of soccer before heading home (only to conk out till the next day) similarly i could never resist the temptation to blog for a 15 minutes even though i have dmp at 930 to attend to.

hmm i guess i will continue this another day. hahaha i realise this post is predominantly about tennis, too bad, im too psyched up after the (federer loss) del potro win =) i can totally see why tons of people would support federer (i mean he just looks great and awesome on tv) but like hey man! DEL POTRO!!!!

oh yeah. i love my dmp schedule. it allows me to watch US OPEN finals (while -mostly- everyone is in school, as can be seen from facebook statuses?)

"firsts"

Fri, 04 Sep 2009 10:39:04 GMT

this week has been one that held alot of "firsts" for me. some exhilarating, some crushing. of the many firsts, lets talk about the recent one first.

i used to harbor this belief that the only people who could ever push me to the verge of breaking down as a person would remain a small select few. these would include my "parents" (obviously when they scold, when their disappointed), "anyone i loved" (because i clearly cared about them), "close friends" (friends can hurt as well). but today, i added one more persona to this exclusive list. i added "teacher" to this list.

perhaps i clung to that belief. perhaps i used to think that the only way one could feel so helpless and hopeless when his academics are not proceeding smoothly. but today i underestimated a person's ability to hurt, today i realised how that hurt could be magnified and intensified a few times over because of the difference of status (and power) in a relationship. im not sure i made myself clear. but i hope i have achieved some degree of succinctness when i say this, today was the first time i truly contemplated the meaning of an adjective. that adjective was "monster".

i pondered on a monster's propensity and ability to afflict hurt on another person.

but it happened. and it happened today. i have no wish to make any excuses to anyone but it really isnt very hard to scream "why?"

a few thoughts crossed my mind. what really was the problem? for the first time today, i contemplated whether i was the monster. was i really really really that horrible? do i give such a negative vibe, such a disgusting impression, so much so that i warranted such treatment? am i really such a bad example to my peers? the problem is i dont know. but deep in my heart i strongly dont think so.

so that leaves me with? a huge frustrating question mark. sure, my life has been filled with frustrating question marks, sometimes i find it in a test paper, sometimes i bump into it when i interact with my friends. but never such a big question mark over a teacher. a teacher. not my teachers.

i understand this blog is open for the whole world to see, so i wont be giving any details on what happened and i have put in every effort to talk about my OWN feelings. this is not a flame. its just a window into how my heart was feeling approximately 8 hours ago.

not a first, but i truly hope i wont have to feel like that. ever again.

then what about the other "firsts" earlier this week? again i wont be making references because i believe someone would not want me to, but everytime i think about it, it brings a smile to my lips.

in my showcase portfolio, i said

"i used to think friendship relied on an innate chemistry or fated affinity, and any effort invested into any friendship relationship would be futile unless these two criteria were fulfilled"

i said i did not like roller coasters, because it implies that

"the tracks are set, im merely a passenger and therefore no longer in control of my destiny"

but truly, sometimes i wonder whether what i have now... well. yeah.

as i said a week of "firsts"