alright im back here on my blog. not because i dont want to sleep, but because i dont think i can/want to right now. i guess i wont be posting about some observation or reflection at 1 am in the morning, not because i havent thought of any (really, studying really makes you daydream) but because ive been studying. wtheck i think im sleep deprived.

i dont remember posting much this past 2 weeks, well, because there wasnt any internet in china, lijiang and because ive been trying to restrict my computer usage to the time lapses in between waiting for lunch, and after 10 pm world cup matches.

but yeah, i guess i have things to say about lijiang, but that already went into my note on facebook (where i tagged 19 other sadly unresponsive people, really its sooo sad/disappointing to see not much life over with this group. ugh, as if they read this space in the first place) so ill lament about the sad 6 days of my life back in singapore.

its curious how, when you're on the plane, you feel this overwhelming desire to start on work. the stress builds and so does the brain juices. but after a weekend of studying, it all just deflates and as i cross out the items on my list of topics to study for each subject (yes, that was one of the first things i did upon reaching home, other than having a good bath) and yes, i have been crossing out. in terms of actual reading my content and material, im left with gaseous state (of which i have no clue about after missing lectures), meiosis (which i did not do because i couldnt finish both mitosis and meiosis in time for italy and slovakia, slovenia aiya whichever) and dna and genomics (the topic is proving too daunting and fearsome for me to even think about starting on)

but somehow, i feel as if, reading wont be enough. theres the need to practise.

and practise is one thing i havent gotten down to doing after 6(-1 day for dental and hair cut :/) days of self-imposed mugging exile.

one thing ive learnt to treasure is that sense of satisfaction, or well, at least the knowledge that you tried hard. but after 6 days of studying, i dont know if this counts because, sure, i doubt ive ever started studying for 4 JC subjects 9 days beforehand (except for the 2 months before HCL), and spending the entire day at it, no less. but somehow i feel as if all this preparation is inadequate, hampered by a lack of practise, lack of urgency (and not starting in, eg the 2nd week of holidays) i guess if i were to count the actual hours spent studying, i dont really have that much to complain about.

but its this sinking feeling, the dread and trepidation that what im reading, ill forget, what im doing, wont come out, what im not reading and memorising hard enough, will come back to haunt me.

or maybe its just this first-ct fear thing. the kind instilled by our teachers, our peers and the J2s. well, at the same time, you only ever sit for 1 j1 ct.

ok *sink back into normal self* wts i sound damn mugger. but seriously. the lack of practise is haunting me. :/

but that's what this blog's for hahaha. to type out my thoughts, read them to myself. and then forget about it and start afresh.

haha we feel like cheapskates! my parents felt that going to a car showroom was a good idea to spend the saturday afternoon. we headed to showroom #1, saw the underground carpark and the 2.50 parking fee, circled around the car park twice before deciding to visit neighboring showroom #2, which had an underground carpark without a barrier (and therefore no fee)

and i went: wasnt the whole point of allowing customers to park outside the showroom (for free) was to let the sales people see what cars their potential customers owned before hand, so they could make better sales pitches and stuff?

but walking around the showroom with my sister, i was reminded of a newspaper article by some columnist for the ST. when we're young(er) and studying, we dream of earning enough money to buy that luxurious sports car and stuff. we would willingly embrace consumerism and all its trappings, but when you hit middle age, your perspective of life changes.

and then i wonder, what influences our perspective? what makes us decide whether ambition is a good thing? what determines our willingness to accept conformist or non conformist behavior? why do we judge people in certain ways, if at all? why do some put their faith in higher beings, and why do others prefer to rely on themselves?

and this leads me to ponder the reasons. could it be our upbringing and the values and mindsets that our parents, intentionally or not, impart to us when we're in our formative stages? i mean, there seems to be enough evidence, i sometimes see the traits and characteristics of my mum in my sister, the way she behaves, the way she places value and formulates an opinion on everything from a piece of clothing to speech patterns.

or could it be genetic? are we, as some scientists believe influenced right from the very beginning by the genes that we inherit? i remember reading about an inherent "selfish" gene that all humans have. we place a great deal of emphasis on self interest, even if we are not always aware about it. could it really influence our decisions and opinions that much?

or maybe its our life experiences. as the ST writer already said, our perspective of life, money, status, success changes over time as we grow older, grow wiser (yes no?). when we have more commitments, when we've seen more people and the way they behave, we think differently. as we commit ourselves to our spouses, our work, our children, naturally what we view as important, as socially acceptable, as prudent differently.

then the idea that we emulate others also interests me. i mean, surely you've met someone in your life who you look up to? do u subconsciously try to behave in the same way, to get others to respect you, in the same way that you respect him/her? and needless to say, surely you've met someone you disagreed with. naturally you would try to veer away from the same kind of behavior that you so detest right?

needless to say, i think its a combination of factors (haha GP teaches us never to take an absolute stand!). as much as its fascinating to think about what makes a person tick, i dont think its going to be very useful unless you can do something about it.

but honestly, this whole perspective thing, its been on my mind for some time. sometimes i think we dont always have to think so much. maybe we dont always need to find meaning in things that we do. cant we just do what we like?

but thats also another thing that confuses me and frustrates me.

do we always have to find meaning in things that we do? cant we just do something because we feel like doing it? does that make our life, our decisions superficial? does it make it meaningless if we dont try to find meaning behind our actions, value in our courses of action? do we always need to justify (even if its to that inner voice in our heads) that what we're doing is in line with some unfathomable "end goal"?

when was the last time you did something on the spur of the moment, just because you felt like it? no i dont mean your shopping habits, but maybe something like signing up for some course, event, etc just because you felt like it? you arent really sure of the consequences of your actions, but you just have the slightest feeling that by signing on for it, committing yourself to it, you'll be happier. did that instance end in disaster because you didnt know what you were getting yourself into?

i find myself weighing the pros and cons all to often that sometimes i wonder if just relying on instinct (even if its dusty and rusty from under-utilisation), relying on emotion (aka what movies like to refer to as "the heart" i guess?) would result in less regrets.

the reason behind this is, sometimes we dont always know what we're getting ourselves into. and as much as we might disagree, what we perceive as pros and cons are (imo) really similarly tainted(/influenced) by our set of beliefs. if we keep peering into the telescope that has its alignment wrong, or the focus dial is off, of the lenses are of a different and confusing color, then should we just ditch the telescope?

i guess its alot about balance huh? knowing when to do what. did i just say we would grow wiser as we grow older? well, i sure hope so.

hmm its been a reflective weekend night.

dont ask me why, but while waiting for the train today, i noticed a bunch of guys hanging out together. they seemed decent enough, around the age of 18-19 and on the verge of entering the army. i guess it must've been someone's birthday, because there were these 18 year olds giving gay like gruff "birthday hugs" in the middle of the bishan circle line mrt at 10 pm in full view of everyone. as i said, dont ask me why, but i couldnt help but notice and think. if my irritating phone didnt have a camera that had an auto-on camera flash even after i set it to OFF, i would've taken a picture of them right there and then. but obviously, i didnt. but after whipping out my phone (nevertheless) and recording down what i thought, and after leaving these thoughts to stew,

i realise that these were guys who were on the cusp of proper "adulthood" and not really out of the whole "youth" stage yet.

and i realise that in a couple of months (that will no doubt go flying past) i will be in a similar position.

a few things struck me there and then. from their apparent friendship, their dressing (sorry lah), their postures. to be honest, i felt like a real voyeur. ugh. but anyway,

its hard to describe, but its as if the whole setting and scene seemed to have this surreal edge around it. it was as if the whole group was on edge, and they werent really able to express themselves fully or enjoy themselves (even though it was presumably a happy occasion) soon they will be spending times in jungles, bunks and goodnessknowswhere instead of in an MRT station together with familiar company. they were obviously good friends (i mean which acquaintance will hug ... oh wait, ang mohs do?) but somehow they seemed awkward around each other.

maybe they were getting increasingly aware of what 2 years in NS can do to relationships and friendships?

already i could see that one guy was breaking away from the rest, he seemed subdued and detached. there were a few gregarious ones, loud ones, the rest were in agreeable spirits, smiling and laughing. he was just there.

ok the words arent coming to me now and i cant seem to compose my sentences. this post feels so unfinished. i can sense that some reflection is necessary, and im getting to it, but i just cant seem to get it across nicely.

last ditch attempt!

i think the reason why they caught my eye is because there was something about this group that i identified with.

oh this sucks, i really envy those who can think of proper sensible sentences at any time of the day, like 1.40 am.